Ed-Line News: An Occasional Tongue-In-Cheeky Political Satire Column by Ed Rampell
Bob Beckel made a career out of managing Democratic campaigns that exploded like the Hindenberg, such as 1984’s presidential candidate Walter Mondale - who couldn’t defeat mass murderer Ronald “Contra” Reagan - and 2002 Idaho Senate nominee Alan Blinken, who somehow managed to lose to Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, king of the toilet.
Beckel parlayed his remarkable losing streak by becoming Fox “News’s” house liberal. There, this “blun-dit” (one of those blundering pundits endlessly blathering on cable news and talk radio’s vast wasteland, littering the public discourse) made a career out of being a foil to conservative commentators. In 2011 Beckel admitted on Fox’s The Five (which specializes in aggressive imbecility) to “pull[ing] punches” vis-à-vis reactionary Sarah Palin.
Now that Beckel has lost his posh perch on Fox as a punching gasbag for rightwing halfwits, he is exploiting his addiction to illegal drugs and booze with a new memoir about his painkiller and cocaine abuse and alcoholism.
Now that Beckel has lost his posh perch on Fox as a punching gasbag for rightwing halfwits, he is exploiting his addiction to illegal drugs and booze with a new memoir (“co-written” by a “co-author,” BTW) about his painkiller and cocaine abuse and alcoholism. (Of course, making himself more palatable than ever to faux Christians such as Cal Thomas, Beckel has found de Lawd.) Beckel’s misuse of mind-altering substances could very well explain this blun-dit’s endless gaffs while posing as a man of the “Left” (fooling everybody except like, you know, real men and women of the Left).
Now, some readers might want to chide Ed-Line News for being unfair and rough on a recovering addict. But consider what may be Beckel’s greatest hit (as in “hit job”):
Unlike vis-à-vis conservative huckster Palin, in 2010 Beckel the Jackal didn’t pull any punches on the Fox Business News network when he called for special ops forces to assassinate Wikileaker Julian Assange. Begging the question as to how an Australian citizen could be a “traitor” who commits “treason” against the U.S. government, the former Democratic consultant said: “A dead man can’t leak stuff. This guy’s a traitor, he’s treasonous, and he has broken every law of the United States. And I’m not for the death penalty, so...there’s only one way to do it: illegally shoot the son of a bitch.”
According to Alcoholics Anonymous’ 12 step program, part of the process of becoming sober is to make “amends” to people injured by those who were unable to control their addiction. Even though he has been a “son of a bitch,” Ed-Line News would never call for Beckel to be shot - “illegally” or even legally. Once Bob Beckel publicly apologizes to Julian Assange and begs his forgiveness, Ed-Line News will believe that Beckel is truly sorry and on the path to recovery - and not just cashing in on his notoriety with a book (and using it to promote his new talking head stints). Perhaps Beckel can make some good use of his spots on CNN by apologizing to Assange.
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Gun Control Even Chuck Heston Would Love
President Obama is causing an uproar because he is reportedly going to announce gun control measures to be carried out through through executive order. But Ed-Line News has found a gun control proposal that even the most rabid second amendment fanatic - from the NRA’s CEO Wayne LaPierre to GOP pres-il-duce candidate Donito Trumpolini - could enthusiastically support:
Ban all Muslims from owning guns.
The Most Dangerous Place to be in America On or About July 28
Now that 2016 is underway, the Iowa caucus and New Hampshire primary are right around the corner and the political season is on in earnest. Ed-Line News wants to go on record warning voters where the most dangerous place will be in America if (and we do mean “if”) Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic Party nomination.
On or about July 28, at the Democratic Party’s National Convention in the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia, should Mrs. Clinton be nominated the most unsafe spot in the USA will be standing/walking immediately on her right hand side as she makes a mad dash to the right in a wild stampede back to the center, while abandoning all of the “lefty” sounding campaign promises she made to steal Bernie Sanders’ thunder and votes in order to become triangulator-in-chief.
May the best prevaricator win!
Ed Rampell is a L.A.-based freelance film historian, critic, author and wag who contributed to New Times L.A.’s “The Finger” column and Hustler Magazine’s “Asshole of the Month” column. He co-authored The Hawaii Movie and Television Book.Rampell appears in an episode of the Asylum Entertainment series “Demons in the City of Angels,” about blacklisted screenwriter Bobby Lees, airing on the Reelz Network at 9:00 p.m., January 9, 2016.