Retired Colonel and amateur pastry chef John Birch claimed today on the website, We Stand to the Right of the Right Because We’re Always Right, that it was impossible to affirm or deny any climate change in recent years because there is no such thing as climate!
He proclaimed that the concept of climate itself was nothing but a liberal construct and a way for untalented weasels to get jobs as weathermen.
Further the Colonel (who led troops into battle in the infamous war for the mighty island of Grenada) asserted that before there were humans on this earth there was no such thing as climate or anything else for that matter, as we had yet to be born to name things and without the naming of all this by humans nothing existed, anyway.
Therefore, he railed at a group of drunken real estate agents in the conference room of a Holiday Inn in Tupelo, Mississippi,, “There never was and never will be anything called climate and, to wit, there can be no such thing as climate change!”
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But now that we’re here his point, underscored at a bowling tournament in Youngstown, Ohio, is that categorizing atmospheric changes in weather or climate is the dark work of nefarious, politically correct, Marxist, Leninist free love, pot smoking reactionary leftists who still control the media, no matter what anybody says and if you don’t think that’s true, answer me this the Colonel yelled at his wife, the infamous circus clown Daphne Dime, “Why are there so many weatherman on TV? Huh?”
“I’ll tell you why,” he roared. “To spread this vicious propaganda designed to weaken our god-given right to destroy everything on this planet and in this whole foul universe because we can do anything we damn well want to, that’s why!”
Colonel Birch recently announced a run for President, claiming that once elected he’d declare unilaterally a series of constitutional amendments, the first of which, ‘The Right to Self-Destruction’, would institutionalize the ability of any and all individual or individuals acting alone or in concert gathered together as nation state or corporate conglomeration to extend his sanctified ability to do whatever he wanted to, even unto the instigation of absolute and irrevocable End Times.
[dc]“P[/dc]ut that in your pipe and smoke it!” he shouted at his dear Daphne, finishing off a quart of vodka.