Ed-Line News: An Occasional Tongue-In-Cheeky Political Satire Column by Ed Rampell
Immigration, refugees, citizenship, et al, are hot button prez-idential campaign issues, with lots of fingers being given and pointed at who was born where, especially by the birther-in-chief, Donito Rumpolini, standard bearer of scaredy-cat older white ’Muricans sweating bullets about the USA’s changing ethnic demographics.
Accordingly, candidate Senator Snarco Rubicubio announced that Canada-born contender Senator Teddy Cruzmissile’s father should be deported because he was born in Cuba. In turn-about-fair-play, Cruzmissile countered, demanding that Rubicubio’s father and mother - who were both born in Cuba - should be deported.
(BTW, contrary to claims that these Gusanos’ parents were political refugees from communism, the folks of both of these candidates - self-styled “Christians” who are so ruthless and heartless towards contemporary refugees fleeing violence and war in Central America, the Middle East and Afghanistan largely due to, you know, U.S. policies in their regions - actually left Cuba years before Fidel came to power. Blun-dit Glenn Beck-erhead actually said at a recent Cruzmissile rally in Iowa that Teddy’s daddy was - and Ed-Line News quotes - a “Marxist” when he left Cuba. Venceremos!)
Cruzmissile, the Canadian-born son of a Cuban émigré (and professional Senator Joe McCarthy sound- and lookalike) who has made a political career out of bashing his fellow Latinos, is stunned and scratching his noggin, now that he’s been out-birthered by ’Murican-born Rumpolini.
After South Carolina-born, U.S. citizen Governor Nikki Haleyscomet implicitly criticized Rumpolini during her televised response to Prez O!bomb-ma’s State of dis-Union address, rightwing idiot savant Little Orphan Annie Helter Skelter Colter (orphaned because even her mother and father couldn’t stand her) called for deporting Governor Haleyscomet, whose parents were born in Punjab, India. (Of course, as the spawn of Satan, Little Orphan Annie was born in Colter’s Hell and thus her own U.S. citizenship is in question.)
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Not to be outdone, Rumpolini - who is running to become prez-il-duce - demanded the deportation of not only their parents, but also of Senators Rubicubio and Cruzmissile themselves, too. (Well, that’s one way to deal with the opposition - especially when they’re gaining in the polls…)
Cruzmissile, the Canadian-born son of a Cuban émigré (and professional Senator Joe McCarthy sound- and lookalike) who has made a political career out of bashing his fellow Latinos, is stunned and scratching his noggin, now that he’s been out-birthered by ’Murican-born Rumpolini. Teddy, although it is true that beneath the sheets you can’t tell one Klansmen from another, did you think the fact that you’re, you know, Hispanic would actually escape the notice of racists because you spent so much of your time and energy beating up on your fellow Latinos? That this would allow you to “pass” for whitey? Now that you’re being “brown-baited” by Rumpolini and company how does it feel? It’s not very nice to be picked on, questioned and excluded, etc., because of your ethnicity, is it?
Like Rubicubio, Cruzmissile forgot that divine law of karma that every single child in the whole wide world well knows: “He who smelt it, dealt it.” And in that spirit, Rumpolini’s rival in the GOP race, Gov. Ike Fuckleberry, said that if he’s elected prez his first executive action will be deporting Rumpolini’s foreign-born trophy wife, Melanoma, back to Upper Slobovia.
And to paraphrase Carlos Marx: “First time tragedy, second time FARTS.”
Faking News: This just in: And in a related development, appreciative of her slimy support, Rumpolini stated that if anointed emperor, he’d appoint Little Orphan Annie Helter Skelter Colter to become his Secretary of Hate. Flattered, she said that if anointed her first act would be to take a cue from George Orwell’s 1984 to institute “the Two Minute Hate” for the brainwashed party faithful to rant and rave at the enemy du jour. Instead of Emmanuel Goldstein, the first Two Minute Hate target of will be rival prez-idential candidate” Saint Bernard, because of the heinous crime of this “enemy of the people”: Threatening to take Rumpolini’s ill-gotten gains away from him and redistributing his billions of dollars to the poor and working class.