Friends and Future Followers of the Reverend Jimmy Pup Pet and Free Range Animal Crusade, today I must shine the Burning Light of Redemption on that foul and disgustingly subversive plague soiling our scared landscapes. What do I mean? What am I talking about?
I’m referring to the abomination of Random and Merciless Dog Urination talking place across the length and breadth of our Pet and Animal Infested Great Nation!
And what I am about to tell, to reveal from the deep vaults of my sanctified brain is an absolutely true and undocumented tale of the Dark Powers at work! Do not be afraid, Dear Neophytes. Read on!!
He had it all: the overstuffed Cayman accounts, jet airplanes, yachts parked in Monaco and that sprawling 15,000 square foot manse outside Greenwich, Connecticut, but one day, standing at the bullet-proof window, wearing his favorite, cashmere bathrobe stitched by cute and cuddly 6-year-olds somewhere in Outer Mongolia, he gazed out to admire the brand-spanking-new, one of only 10 produced in the world $375,000 Maserati Legend Coupe 5529, but saw, instead and much to his genteel horror a large, mangy ruffian of a dog sniffing at one of the 20-inch, $5,000, puncture-proof tires and before he could shout out a reprimand, that Unsaved, Deranged Canine raised his mighty leg and let loose a Rank, Evil Waterfall all over the scared rubber he’d worshiped since the glorious day of purchase.
Oh, the agony of such a despairing moment! Can you imagine it, Friends of Pup? (To become a Friend of Pup, immediately mail me $1,000 and don’t forget to include me, I mean The Crusade, in your estate planning!). The utter indignity of the senseless act! He cried out and sobbed and cursed, even as that crazed beast moved on to the next tire!!
Was that stinking thing smirking at him? How dare he! Who did this? Who pulled the strings on this monstrous anti-tire plot?
I’ll tell you: Satan did this!!! Satan sent that wretched, smelly mutt on its Mission of Degradation and Blasphemous Anarchy!
Let us read from the Jimmy Pup Bible (available at neighborhood bowling alleys and local laundromats): Chapter 49, Verse 51, Line 3,000: “Whom so ever turns away from my sword of culinary instruction shall be whipped and forced to read the collected works of Steven King, twice!”
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What do I mean? What am I talking about?
I’m gonna tell you now: Wake Up! Watch Your Foundation!! Satan was there! Heed my Call!
All right, let’s move on from that Sad Narrative of Immoral Transgression. Friends, as you know, I get a great deal of mail from prisons, mental institutions, fast food restaurants and Del Web Retirement Communities, with many questions regarding the Crusade. Today, as part of my message on Animals Taking Responsibility for Waste Reduction in the Global Village, I thought I’d read one and answer swiftly and rigorously to thwart yet another Satanic Plot against Decency and Decorum!
This one comes from Mario Little Guy of Sherman Oaks, California. He writes: Oh, Fabulous Father Pup, what can be done about Climate Change, when these Psycho Pets wreck our front lawns and render the air a murderous, stinking thing with their endless farting? Help us, Beloved Leader.
Thank you for your pathetic query and righteous groveling before me, Your Spiritual Master, Mario. You ask What Can Be Done? (By the way, have you sent in your monthly Crusade dues?) I’ll tell you now!
Sponsor a visit to your neighborhood (All expenses paid!) and I will personally bless and convert each and every one of the offending beasts, offering them a free month in our exclusive Animals and Pets English Instruction Course, where they’ll learn the basics of Applying for that Dream Job and How to Get the Best Mortgage. Plus, every Heathen One of Them shall also receive gratis a video of my earth-shattering seminar: Tricks and Pitfalls of Pet and Animal Online Dating. Can you believe it???
Now I am winded and exhausted. I need to slow my heart rate and breathe deeply. There, that’s better. But it’s difficult because My Enemies are closing in (I receive threats daily from Postal Workers and Neurosurgeons) for they must silence my blowhard convictions but I shall not waver from the Fanatic Path. For as it states in the Jimmy Pup Bible (available at your nearest Nail Salon): Chapter 11, Verse 9, Line 66: “Sail thy ship only at night, foreswearing all nostalgic temptations.”
What do I mean? What am I talking about?