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Reverend Jimmy Pup Speaks: Today's Astonishing Message

Paul Lojeski: I want to announce the Most Momentous Breakthrough in The Reverend Jimmy Pup’s Pet and Free Range Animal Crusade’s Gloriously Ignored History.

Before I lead us in supplication and a groveling prayer to the Great Saint Bernard Above, that giant, drooling, Holy Head in the Sky to begin today’s Astonishing Message about the Emptiness of Everything I Say, I want to announce the Most Momentous Breakthrough in The Reverend Jimmy Pup’s Pet and Free Range Animal Crusade’s Gloriously Ignored History.

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Brothers and Sisters, Mothers and Fathers, Aunts and Uncles, Cousins and Cousinettes, all Craven, Odorous Animals, Rancorous and Narcissistic Pets and Chirping Flying Things, according to my Duplicitous, Backstabbing but Ever-Faithful Aid De Camp, Jasper, the Talking Cocker Spaniel, the Word of Pup has finally left our Sanctified but Dry Shores, Seeping Surreptitiously beneath the Dark Waters into the Underwater Kingdoms where all Sea Beasts and Gilled Reef Panhandlers have been Rescued, Saved, and Lifted High by My Message of Belief in Nothing but Nothing to speak in the Only Tongue acceptable anymore!

That’s right: the Sharks, Lobsters, Whales, Dolphins, Eels, and even the Sad Tuna have been brought into the Gentle Bosom of the Crusade’s Sweet English Tongue twirling upon Soft Clouds of Whistling Rapture. What? So welcome Salmon, welcome Bass, welcome Swordfish, welcome all you Slimy Water Breathers, welcome to the New Army of Redemption, Fast-Paced Recycling and James Brown Impersonators.

Let Us Pray: Oh, Great Saint Bernard, we come before Thee, knowing full well we are but Humorless Pond Scum in Your Watery Red Eyes but, nevertheless, we ask for Thy Misguided Guidance in our battle to Cleanse this foul habitat of the Wretched, Anarchistic Excesses of Unemployed School Crossing Guards and the Wild Chickens of Northern Borneo and live lives Full of Lived Life. Amen.

As it says in the Book of Rudolph (available at any drive-through liquor store): Chapter 11, Verse 40, Line 93: Whosoever smites a Rampaging, Over Weight Crocodile shall then inherit Six Cubits of underwater shore front property.”

What do I mean? What am I talking about?

Just this: Pay no heed to the words I say unless I Tell You To. Onward!

Now, besides the historic, evolutionary shift to Sea Life Salvation, I have some other Mind Blowing News to impart to your Unworthy and Useless Ears. Namely this; several years ago we instituted a special degree program at the Avant-Guard Institute for Anti-Study and Sleepy Time Conformity located on the sprawling grounds of The Jimmy Pup Libertine University in Salt lake City, Utah.

It was there we developed the first Revolutionary Pet-To-Pet and Animal-To-Animal Phone Salvation Program, in which highly trained Calico Cats, One-Eyed Pit Bulls, Billy Goats, Muskrats, and Wild Water Buffalos manned the phones to counsel and reclaim from the Dark Forces of Negative Line Dancing any and all Lost Souls who used Paws and Claws to dial in for the Sacred Message of the Pup Crusade!

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But that’s not all we did, folks. Long Time Fans of Vulcan and all Things Vulcan remember and worship the infamous and often emulated but never duplicated Vulcan Mind Meld! Until now, that is!

For according to the Book of Rudolph: Chapter 59, Verse12, Line No Line: “And then in the morning of the fifth watch came a frowning stranger who brought forth a host of singing mythologies.”

What do I mean? What am I talking about?

Only that The Crusade of Crusades has developed the First and Only Pet-To-Pet, Animal-To-Animal, Bird-To-Bird and Fish-To-Fish Great Saint Bernard Above Mind Meld Restorative and Spiritual Cure All to Cure All Satanically and Foreign Charged Maladies!! Oh, Yes We Have!

Bring in your Unhappy, Forlorn Dogs and Cats, your Hyperactive, Overly Repetitive Parrots. Drive in the Wild Beasts like the Crazed Skunks of Upper Nova Scotia to the nearest Jimmy Pup Tent Revival and Tire Whole Seller and We’ll Apply a Skunk Meld to their Stinky Heads and Save them all. We shall Save Every Twisted Creature upon this Lumpy Ball of Spinning Dirt! Amen and Hallelujah!!

I’m getting too worked up. My heart is rattling fiercely in my Anointed Chest. Slow thy breath, O Wondrous Pup. Calm thy Magical Mind. There, I feel a bit better. I must not overtax myself at this Crucial Juncture.

For if I become Delusional or Hallucinative or Manic on Mondays, the Whole Celebrated Movement could slide into the Festering Pit of Zeitgeist Oddities like some Tiny Half-Naked Pop Singer, No Talent Anger Machine, or worst of all: a Pizza Pie Pitch Man. I will not let that happen!

For as it says in the Book of Rudolph (available at any Tanning Salon): Chapter 19, Verse 55, Line 11: “If the Leader of a Renegade Clan shall fall from on high, what fate then falls upon the lowly, barking followers of the Mad Lout?”

What do I mean? What am I talking about?

Paul Lojeski