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Players vs Misos

A couple of weeks ago an article came out about someone, who had said not too nice things about women in interviews, and suddenly the internet blew up.

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People either joined the bandwagon or defended him.

And then a discussion of whether his comments represented a general attitude of "douchedom in L.A." followed...

I have my own story re: his harassment, but I'm not here to start a Thesy pity party (believe me my diaries are already full of it!!).

However, I think it's worth discussing something that has not been addressed yet...And that's -- what exactly "misogyny" is and what makes it different from guys just having a good time in the 'Wood.Because believe me ladies and gents, there is a difference!!

And while I'm happy that recent articles are bringing up a general discussion about Hollywood attitudes towards women, we need to distinguish fun "bad boys" from realmisogynists.

Otherwise we undermine the real elephant in the room.

We undermine true woman-hating.So, yes, just so you all know I don't think all guys who have a good time and go out with lots of women are misogynists. Far from it...First of all, that would make me a hypocrite because I've been a girl who likes to go out and have a good time with guys.

Second, many have admittedly come to this town to live a bit of the glam life...and if they've worked hard, should they not enjoy the fruits of their labor and engage in a little hedonism?

Of course!

So ladies, not all players that you are angry at are misogynists...

...they're just players...

...though, I admit, sometimes the boundaries can get fuzzy.

(Oh, and neither should we assume all "nice guys" are not misogynists. In fact, often the guys that can't get the girls are harboring resentment...)

So here's what I think is the difference is between:

PLAYER

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e.g. Johnny Depp

versus...

MISOGYNIST

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e.g. Phil Spector

1) Misogynists claim to be "players" but when you scratch beneath the surface- they're not:

Players LOVE women.

Players may date a lot and be womanizers (although most players I know alternate between casual dating and something serious) but misogynists never alternate...

...they talk about women, show off their conquests, exaggerate their desirability but when all is said and done, illusions tumble down and they aren't Casanova at all, they just...

...don't like women. 

And I've noticed that deep down most misogynists are aware of this, and aware of the gap between what they portray versus how they really feel privately and often go to extraordinary lengths to cover it with labels like..."I'm a ladies man."

Only problem is real ladies men....love ladies!!

The hard thing for women (and men) to do is scratch beneath the surface of the superficials and find out who someone actually is...beneath it all.

2) Misogynists will often degrade females publicly, especially when their ego has been hurt:

Player guys are the kind of guys that if they weren't successful with some girl, they don't dwell on it too long because they know there's another girl right around the corner.

Misogynists, on the other hand, if unsuccessful in seducing you (or if they are) will go to the utmost lengths to publicly denounce you, spread rumors, "punish" you and try and destroy your reputation (you think I'm exaggerating, I'm not.)

Yes, "slut-shaming" is the misogynist's weapon.

Which is another BIG difference from the player who...well...is just too busy actually loving the ladies to gossip.

3) Misogynists can never be vulnerable, players definitely can:

Hollywood makes you tough!

Players can be tough- in the work place and socially- but they will generally let their walls down behind closed doors.

Misogynists, on the other hand, never let their walls down and see any vulnerability as weak and silly.

If you ask them anything that might expose their sensitivity- they will immediately slam you down with stories about how powerful they are and all the girls they have walked over.

Yup, you're not sitting next to a man...you're sitting next to Stalin.

4) Often misogynists are former nerds, on a mission to make up for past mistreatment:

My friend Joel says- "there is nothing more dangerous than an ex-nerd." (Haha, and he's definitely an authority ;))

Of course not all nerds are misogynists...but some are.

It can be as little as one past hurtful experience with a woman that set them off on a path of vengeance...

I had a guy tell me over diner that when he was 24, he got his heart broken and ever since he decided he "never ever" wanted to feel like that again, so now he "always" makes surehe's the one (yup, his words!) "to send the girls home crying."

Fantastic.

So basically this is not about your intrinsic joy of dating women, it's about you executing some revenge plan. (Good thing that was only one date!!)

5) Misogynists can be the most fun, charming life of the party!! (But suddenly behave totally different alone with a woman...):

Like players, misogynists can be so much fun you won't think there is anything wrong with them.Until one night they go nuts on you.

Now don't get me wrong, we all have hissy fits and get angry (uhhh, hello, I can be the queen!) but with misogynists, it's not about getting angry because they have some point to make, it's about wanting to treat you bad because that makes them feel betterabout themselves!!

It's the pathological "I have to put you down to make myself feel up" thing.

Why? I don't know...I'm no psychiatrist (yet).

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What I do know is it's exactly the reverse with players who love it when you're "up," cause...guess what...that makes them feel up too!

I mean, don't get me wrong misogynists, I love a good argument once in a while but if you're getting more of an erotic high from shouting at me and/or freaking me out than actually getting me then...adios woman-hater!

6) Like players, misogynists were once romantics...they just joined "the dark side": 

Players never really join the dark side- or maybe they do for a short time- but then they come back and become good Jedi knights.

Players if they get down about women, it's usually momentary, after a bad experience with one girl...

....not too different from girls who occasionally get down about guys, right?

And what I've noticed about my player friends is there's never an ongoing, constant pattern of degradation of females...unlike misogynists where there pretty much is.

Yup, ain't no saving that Darth Vadar.

7) Misogynists tend to hang out with other misogynists, players hang out with all sorts of people, including women.

This is actually a key difference I've discovered between players and misogynists:

Because misos don't like women, they can't have real friendships with them.

Or they can but only ones they are totally not sexually attracted to....ones they see as men.

The player, on the other hand, has female friends -- many of them attractive -- and, of course, might hope that one day his hot female friend will hook up with him (Harry Met Sally) but if she doesn't, she won't suffer hellfire for it.

But a misogynist cannot handle any woman who does not hook up with him!!

She only serves one purpose -- being his object. (And fantasy sex slave...not in a good way.)

8) Players love strong, unique women, misogynists do not. 

Read Steven Tyler's bio and/or watch his interviews and he's all about loving the "alpha female." (In his bio he even says women are the stronger sex!)

Yes, players like smart, sassy, sexy girls -- in fact that's what made Ryan Gosling's character in Crazy/Stupid/Lovea player, not a misogynist.

He gets together with "game changer" Emma Stone after bedding a string of superficial girls because he he falls for her personality as well as her looks.

Misogynists on the other hand are only about the superficials -- because that's all a woman is to them.

A woman is not a person, she is a shiny trophy to add to a collection.

Sure players might also go through a "shiny trophy" phase but again...it's just not alwaysaboutthat....it's about having some character too.

To a misogynist though, if a woman does have character or strength it's kind of disconcerting and woe to the woman that might even for a moment outshine him...he will not be happy!!

The reason misogynists settle for hot & dumb in the longterm because it makes them feel better about themselves...if they do get a smart attractive girl, they will downgrade her as much as they can to "prove" that she is less of a "person" than them.Again, it's all about the power trip, rather than reallove forwomen.Players will relish the hot, sexy, smart lady they have finally found!!

Finito.

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(Damn that apple looks good.)

Final thoughts...

Jack Nicholson's character in Carnal Knowledge, Phil Spector, Jack The Ripper. These are misogynists.

Johnny Depp, Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. These are not.

Yes, the second list are womanizers and and I wouldn't exactly marry Mick or Steven but at least you know what you are getting.

With misogynists you don't...

...until it's too late.

Yes, unlike players, or normal, handsome guys, you don't leave a misogynist's company feeling good about yourself...

...you leave them feeling worse.

And that's the main distinction.

A strong, independent woman can find herself unconsciously becoming scared and fearful and developing insecurities that she never thought she had.

But if she's truly strong and independent she will move on and learn not to fall into reactionary man-hate based on what she just experienced.

Not gonna lie, it can be hard, especially when you've been through some crazy stuff!!

But you'll survive and you will learn to LOVE guys again, so much so, in fact, that you can't believe you ever dealt with that weird anomaly in the first place.

So to all you outsiders- never think Hollywood is just full of douchey misogynists.

Yes, there are some, as there would be in any metropolis where power and success can corrupt.

But true misogynists either end up getting caught, however late and violent (e.g. Phil Spector again) or...well...at the end of the day they're just sad, lonely human beings with mommie issues.

I mean, if you hate women, you pretty much hate yourself, right?

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Oh and if you love women- and defend them against evil- your hotness has just quadrupled.

On that note, Happy Wednesday and here's Beyonce telling it like it is...

xx

Thesy Surface
Brit Chick Ramblings from Hollywoodland

Thursday, 24 October 2013