You’re Never Too Old for a Bridal Show
Brides just wanna have fun!
Ok, so I was the oldest bride at the bridal show, but who cares? Bridal shows are a hoot and I love them!
Bridal shows are like carnivals for women, with all kinds of vendors selling their goods – from party rentals to place settings, dresses to DJs, wedding cakes to weight loss products, photography to photo booths. Usually held inside hotel banquet or ballrooms, bridal shows are a bonanza of door prizes, cake samples, and bad champagne, catered to young brides who just eat this stuff up.
My booty from the bridal goody bag.
Slap on a “Bride” sticker upon arrival, enter a raffle, and you might win a bachelorette weekend in Temecula, or a free hand exfoliation! Who couldn’t use both?!
They’re all represented at these bridal shows because YOU NEED ALL OF THIS.
The wedding industry is big business, or as I see it, a huge moneymaking racket. The good news in being a little older and wiser is that I don’t fall for most of the crap they try to sell me. I’m too damn practical, and yes, a little cynical too. I mean, do you really need personalized matchbooks or monogrammed napkins that are just going to end up as landfill?
“Better Than Sex” mascara my ass!
Speaking of landfill, I have to admit I do love all the free shit they give away at these events. Just look at the goody bag I brought home from my last bridal show. Score-a-roonie!
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- A bottle of hand sanitizer from the Puerto Rico tourism board.
- A box of chocolates from the Aria Hotel’s wedding chapel in Las Vegas.
- Zhenga’s Extra Strength Slim Me weight loss tea.
- A pack of Mercy chewable hangover tablets.
My favorite item from the goody bag is a mascara from Too Faced cosmetics called “Better Than Sex.”
A vendor for old broads, I mean brides.
Maybe you’ve heard of it. “With its hour-glass shaped wand, “Better Than Sex” promises to coat and curl each lash to voluptuous perfection, then thicken and lock it into place.”
If you happen to see me spontaneously orgasm while wearing “Better Than Sex” mascara, you’ll know why – its special polymers and peptides make me horny, and its acacia Senegal tree extract makes me want to rip my clothes off.
Robby darling, remind me to take this with me on our honeymoon.
There was one vendor though that had brides my age in a tizzy: Marina Plastic Surgery. Sign up at their booth, and you could win a $600 gift card for a session of Cool Sculpting, a non-surgical body contouring treatment that freezes away fat.
Because along with picking a florist, hiring an invitation designer, booking a photographer, choosing a cake designer, and finding the perfect hand exfoliator, you NEED to have your fat frozen for your wedding.
Treva Brandon
The Late Blooming Bride
The opinions expressed here are solely the author's and do not reflect the opinions or beliefs of the Hollywood Progressive.
