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Trump Stumps for Chief, Calls Pilgrims “Rapists,” Demands Registry, Coastal Wall

Ed Rampell: When England sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with them. They’re bringing beer. They’re bringing crime.
Rapist Pilgrims

Ed-Line News: An Occasional Political Satire Column by Ed Rampell

Provincetown, Nauset Nation, Nov. 21, 1620 (Ed-Line News) – If Donald Trump were running for Chief of the Nauset people when the Pilgrims arrived at Cape Cod, this is what he would have told the tribe before the November election of 1620 when they spotted the Mayflower near Provincetown:

“We have to build a wall to keep these English illegal aliens out! They’re bringing scurvy and chicken pox. And they’re rapists…

“I’m Pagan. Boy, that’s down the middle of the road, braves, in all fairness. I mean, Pilgrims, I don’t know about. I just don’t know about… They’re religious extremists, members of the radical English Separatist Church. They probably believe in witches…

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“I definitely want a database and watch lists of Pilgrims. If elected Chief, I would certainly implement a registry of all Pilgrims. There’s absolutely no choice - we have to close and surveill steeples. We have to bring back the rack, Iron Maiden and Chinese water torture.

“And as for the ‘Pilgrim Lives Matter’ movement: Maybe they should be roughed up, because it’s absolutely disgusting what they’re doing. They’re so obnoxious and so loud, troublemakers. The next thing you know, if you let these Pilgrims onto our continent they’re going to eat our maize and take our land…

“In conclusion, my fellow tribesmen, vote for me and we’ll build a big beautiful wall on the coastline - and the Mayflower’s undocumented immigrants and refugees will payfor it with their wampum.”

[dc]“H[/dc]appy” Genocide of Indigenous Peoples Day! Gobble, gobble (up the continent). Ed Rampell Ed Rampell is a L.A.-based freelance film historian, critic, author and wag who contributed to New Times L.A.’s “The Finger” column and Hustler Magazine’s “Asshole of the Month” column. Rampell co-authored The Hawaii Movie and Television Book.

Ed Rampell