You may be rich and famous and having a spectacular party in your celebrity-filled mansion, when you look over and see your cat, the furry creature, sliding down your ten-thousand dollar, handmade drapes, ripping them to shreds and you call out into the coming darkness, Why verily has this happened? Who so bestowed such trepidation and woe upon my sacred household!?! Who???
I’ll tell you who: Satan, that’s who! Satan had that cat’s soul in his bony clutches. The dark one was there! Wake up, watch your foundation!!!
Friends, for those of you who have not yet heard the word or experienced the rapture offered by The Great and Wondrous Saint Bernard above, I am here to lead the way and save every dog, cat, gold fish, zebra and porcupine! I am the Reverend Jimmy Pup, Leader of the Pets and Free Range Animal Crusade, savior and instigator of the coming wave of pet and animal redemption and sanitary education.
Yes! They shall learn to shower and use the facilities and to hold down jobs--why shouldn’t they work and contribute to society, instead of laying about yawning and farting until feeding time? Enough brash malingering, I say. I’ll have Doberman’s and giraffes working the 9-to-5 and paying mortgages and rent like the rest of us beaten down citizens. Why not? I shout to the stormy seas. Where was I?
Let me quote from The Jimmy Pup Bible (available for $19.95 at your local pet supplier, farm equipment outlet, or hot tub showroom): Chapter 8, Verse 17, Line 11: “And who so frees the supine creatures shall inherit nothing but scorn and backstabbing from school bus drivers and lazy-eyed dental assistants.”
What does that mean? What am I talking about? It means get thee hence and renovate thy inner chambers before it’s too late! For it is also said in Chapter 10, Verse 30, Line 9: “Beware the procrastinators, for it is they who besmirch the land with ribald images. What?”
In future messages I shall tackle the hard issues of the day like how to build housing developments for squirrels and how to teach bears Romance Languages and describe in detail how I built my first mega-church in Scottsdale, Arizona, and where I did battle with the evil forces of deranged real estate agents and the violence of jealous preachers of other faiths (pitched gun fights were waged under full moons), but in this, my inaugural message to the flock I offer only a brief, though long-winded, history of how this magnificent Crusade came about.
In The Beginning
Years ago, friends, I was down and out and befouled in a cheap motel room off the Vegas strip. There was no glamour in that rank room I can tell you, future followers.
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I was besotted with drink and despair and clothed in ragged garments. And I smelled like fish gone bad. Anyway, one night, woozy with booze and wearing but bad underwear, I lay upon that stiff couch, watching some inane sitcom or psycho killer flick on TV, when the screen suddenly went white and fuzzy and I cursed out loud this misfortune but, then, the screen turned a beautiful purple and the most amazing organ music filled the room and I sat bolt upright scared to death that invaders had come from Mars or worse yet, the TV was broken and I’d have nothing left in life but the dregs in that last bottle.
But I needn’t have feared for that was the exact moment when he appeared!! There she was: The Great Saint Bernard (I don’t know what sex the beastly god was because I never got a look, you know, in that area), drooling, barking and howling, so, naturally, I fell to my knees and groveled for all I was worth.
But thus he/she spoke: “Pup, you’re a bum and a disgrace; however, this was the only TV on earth I could access due to a technical glitch somewhere in this god forsaken universe, so I’m stuck with having to proclaim your worthless ass the
High Priest and Leader of the new Church of Pets and Free Range Animal Reclamation. So rise up off your knobby knees and get to it!”
And just like that the TV returned to broadcasting exploding bombs amidst loud laugh tracks and I fainted dead on the spot.
Friends, there, in a nutshell (no pun intended) is the birth moment of the great movement now sweeping the land. Oh, how I cherish the coming articles, in which all shall be revealed. So be not afraid: The Reverend Jimmy Pup is here!
As it states in the Jimmy Pup Bible (pick one up today at a car wash near you) Chapter40, Verse 68, Line 00: “And on a burning hill did the idea first come upon him that standing on a burning hill was a bad idea.”
What do I mean? What am I talking about?