Ed-Line News: An Occasional Tongue-In-Cheeky Political Satire Column by Ed Rampell
Sorrow Paladin, the ex-gauleiter of Alaska and rightwing gun for hire, crawled out from under her melting glacier to endorse Donito Rumpolini for prez-il-duce at a Jan. 19 Iowa campaign rally. It seemed like a match made in Hades: The man who parlayed his reality TV stardom into a political career receiving the seal of approval from the politician who had traded up, exploiting the notoriety of her government career to cash in with reality TV series for herself and her daughter. Of course, along with an unholy fetish for power and money, they both share the fact that they live in a demented, peculiar unreality.
In her vulgarity-laced endorsement speech, the Godzilla from Wasilla cackled that the billionaire was not “an elitist.”
In her vulgarity-laced endorsement speech, the Godzilla from Wasilla cackled that the billionaire was not “an elitist.” Of course, Rumpolini came by his fortune the old fashioned way: He was born into a family of millionaires. Ed-Line News is baffled not that he and Paladin would try to pass themselves off as possessing the common touch, but that anybody would buy this choice, hallucinatory piece of obvious lunacy. It’s clear that Il Donito, with his supposedly $100 million penthouse, private jets, etc., has nothing to do with ordinary people.
Neither does Sorrow Paladin, who is absolutely nothing like the down-on-their-heels hoi polloi who she claims to be one of. Although it’s true she hails from more humble origins than the to-the-manor-born Rumpolini, the scheming, power mad alpha dogsledder from Alaska has nothing in common with working women or men from the Lower 48. Expediently taking advantage of the high recognition afforded her by purported public service Paladin walked away more than once from elected and/or appointed office, exchanging serving the people for serving herself with multi-million dollar TV and book deals, posh speaker fees and the like.
Further conclusive proof that both are elitists is that when Paladin visited Rumpolini in 2011 at the Big Apple, they ate pizza with forks and knives, not their hands - unlike the great unwashed huddled masses they claim to represent. And the average American would never give the daft, eccentric names Paladin has stuck her beleaguered off-the-wall offspring with to their children.
Although Paladin blithely spouts off about “traditional values,” she’s about as custom-bound as the thrice-divorced, high living Rumpolini who calls “Second Corinthians” “Two Corinthians” (and, in the same sentence, called Liberty University “Liberty College” - now that’s gLib-erty!). Paladin is an absolutely miserable mother who has, measured by the “common sense” conventional family values she ballyhoos, completely, utterly failed as a parent.
Starting at the age of 16, her daughter, Pistol Paladin, has had not one, but two children out-of-wedlock plus more on-again-off-again marriages than Ed-Line News can (or cares to) keep track of. The 25-year-old unmarried solo mom’s second “illegitimate” child was reportedly born last December, after Pistol had taken - according to AP - $262,000 as a spokeswoman for the Candyass Foundation, one of those doltish abstinence groups that profiteers off of sexual repression and denial of human sexuality. (Did Pistol return the money she stole under false pretences for ballyhooing celibacy while she was actually dancing the horizontal mambo with God knows who? In any case, Pistol put her choreographic skills to lucrative use, make more ill gotten gains on the TV show “Dancing in the Bars.”)
Now, Sorrow is a pathetic excuse of a mother not because her deceptive daughter had sex outside of the confines of holy matrimony. Rather, she’s a miserable mom because instead of informing her child how to avoid unwanted pregnancies through contraception and other means besides celibacy - like any good parent would do - Paladin makes political hay out of publicly attacking family planning, women’s reproductive rights and so on while her daughter rolls in the hay, repeatedly having unprotected sex and getting, you know, knocked up.
As Paladin gave the green light to Rumpolini’s candidacy in order to get back into the limelight she so desperately craves to try to prove to herself that she has some sort of value and worth, her son Trick was arrested for battering a woman and allegedly pointing an AR-15 at his head while intoxicated, threatening to shoot himself, on Jan. 18. Maybe this was a pathetic attempt by her son to get his mother’s attention, but in any case, did mommy queerest drop everything and fly back from Iowa to come to the aid of her troubled 26-year-old divorced son, like any good mother would do? NO, of course not, silly rabbit: Tricks are for kids.
On Jan. 19 there were many more TV cameras pointed at Il Donito and in that great show biz tradition, the reality TV star knew “the show must go on!” And the next afternoon (although she was strangely missing in action in the morning) she continued her stump for Rump in Oklahoma.
Recommended for You
During that meandering speech with more twists and turns than Maui’s road to Hana and with English more tortured than a Gitmo detainee, Paladin made a number of Freudian admissions and contradictory statements regarding Trick, who had enlisted in the military and served in war-torn Iraq. Paladin claimed he came back from the battlefield “hardened” and suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Then, she appeared to blame Pres. Obama and others who don’t appreciate Trick and other soldiers who acted “sacrificially.”
However, like so much of reality, it seems to have eluded Paladin that Trick joined the Alaska-based 25th Infantry Division’s 1st Stryker Brigade Combat Team in 2008 - when George W. Tush was president. This also just so happened to be when Sorrow Paladin was running for Vice Prez on the GOP ticket with Sen. John McCain (you know, the Vietnam War veteran whom Trumpolini mocked, belittling him for being a Prisoner of War - so much for Paladin’s loyalty).
But beyond blaming the actual president who, unprovoked, attacked and invaded a nation that had done America no harm under the pretext of fictional Weapons of Mass Destruction which U.N. weapons inspectors on the ground in, you know, Iraq (not at Langley or the Pentagon, spinning yarns, but actually there on the scene) kept insisting did not exist, Paladin should also blame herself for cheerleading her son into unnecessarily placing himself in harm’s way. You know, when she was a Veep candidate and it was politically expedient to have a son on active duty. What type of mother whose family was not desperate for money would cheer her son on to volunteer to fight in a morally dubious, completely unnecessary bloodbath and place your own firstborn in the line of fire?
One can only imagine the enormous resentment Trick might have towards his deranged, scheming, manipulative mother, who seems to have cared so little for him that she was willing to sacrifice her teenage son on the battlefield in order to burnish her political credentials as she sought electoral office? A mother who, eight years later, would rather promenade about and bask in Rumpolini’s limelight than help her son when he is charged with committing a violent crime and purportedly threatened to blow his own head off? (One wonders if the woman Trick allegedly battered looks like Paladin?) It’s interesting to add that in her shrill, sing-songy rambling Rumpolini endorsement speech - with, BTW, the contender standing behind her with an extremely odd expression on his face throughout - Paladin actually mentioned suicide. But in a reference to “political correctness,” not to her son’s alleged threats to kill himself. (Maybe Il Donito looked so glumly uncomfortable because he knew all about the latest Trick tragedy and how this would take away from Paladin’s ballyhooing of his prez-il-duce ambitions?)
Of course, Trick was also implicated with other members of his demented family in an alleged 2014 drunken brawl at a house party in Anchorage. It is tempting to call the troubled Paladin clan “white trash,” but this would be an insult to Alaskan Natives, as Sorrow’s husband, Tad, is part-Yup’ik. (Come to think of it, it would also be a slight to Caucasians and garbage everywhere.)
What is believed to be Tad and Sorrow’s last child was born in 2008 with Down Syndrome. Ed-Line News claims to have no medical expertise but can’t help wondering if being born to a 44-year-old woman who has an extremely hectic schedule and high pressure job as the gauleiter of Alaska might have affected the baby’s health? Inquiring minds want to know…
In any case, considering all of the woes the maniacal Sorrow Paladin’s children have experienced in their short, misbegotten lives as their mother relentlessly traipses about hither and yonder seeking yet another 15 minutes of fame and fortune, sounding like an incoherent banshee advocating for one backwards cause after another, it makes one wonder: Sometimes God does NOT work in mysterious ways. Sometimes God is very obvious in what and how he does things and the misery that has befallen the Paladin children is Exhibit “A” of this.
Paladin talking about the virtues of “family values” is like Donito Rumpolini expounding upon the efficacy of modesty, thrift and affordable housing for the poor and homeless. Paladin is truly the worst mother in America and instead of jet-setting around the country courting the spotlight (and speaking fees, et al), promoting harmful causes and candidates, she should go back to the tundra and take care of her own disturbed family - instead of lecturing the rest of us on how to live with the Gospel According to Sorrow Paladin. To paraphrase that old saying:
[dc]“P[/dc]olitician, HEEL thyself.”
Ed Rampell is a L.A.-based freelance film historian, critic, author and wag who contributed to New Times L.A.’s “The Finger” column and Hustler Magazine’s “Asshole of the Month” column. He co-authored The Hawaii Movie and Television Book.Rampell appeared in the January 9, 2016 episode of the Asylum Entertainment “Demons in the City of Angels” series about blacklisted screenwriter Bobby Lees on the Reelz Network.