I had a friend from Ohio visit me and he kept commenting on how surprised he was that there were so many hot, successful people out here that were...single.
What's more, L.A.-ers would moan and groan to him about how much easier it must be to live in the midwest where there were so many "nice" guys and girls and where "dating is a lot easier."
My friend's surprise at these complaints is well-founded.
The amount of times I've heard people say "dating in LA sucks"- I wanna grab a handful of peanuts and throw them (just kidding...I actually want to eat them.)
The truth is dating in L.A. does not suck.
There are more attractive, smart, funny, interesting, sexy people out here than most parts of the world. Your eyes just aren't open to them or you're giving off bad vibes.
That said, here is...
Why You're Hot Successful & Single...in L.A.
1) You care too much about what others think:
You're the girl who has to show 3 of your already jealous, lonely gal pals a fuzzy Instagram of the great guy you're seeing and make sure that no one has anything bad to say otherwise it's "so not happening."
You're the guy that has to check with all your buds that the girl you brought out was "cute and cool enough" to be your girlfriend.
You're so insecure that you need everyone's approval...but your own.
The truth is yours is the only one that bloody matters!!
Hey - ever noticed how the happiest couples don't give a rat's ass about what anyone thinks about their significant other??
2) Your expectations are astronomical:
I was out to dinner with some friends recently and overheard a guy at the next table say- "I just want a serious girlfriend, man. You know someone who's kind and sweet and likes me just for me and is like 22 and beautiful." I turned over and saw...
...a bald, fat man in a jumpsuit.
Yes, you might nab that 22-year-old but she's going to be a mail-order bride from Latvia and/or out to soak you dry for everything you own -- leaving you more single than you ever started and in need of some SERIOUS therapy.
I mean, have you seen the wives of most successful men?
They're attractive but not Playboy bunnies.
This is a real couple.
This is not.
And if you want the above picture...well....just remember both these people are dead.
Bill and Melinda Gates are ALIVE.
3) You only hang with your other single friends:
Remember how on the path to success you had to hang out with people that were as savy, if not more, than you?
What makes you think your love life is any different??
Surround yourself with people who are more relationship-y than you and you might see some actual results.
Yeah, they might not join you on your late-night meat-market prowl for "dudes and biatches" but, unlike your 10 eternally single bros and hos, they know what it it's like not to be single ALL THE TIME.
And you can garner a few real tips and have their magic fairy dust rub off on you.
4) You're kind of a dick:I realize you might not be aware of this but youare...a dick.
Male or female.
You look good and now that you made a "mean stash of cash" you have decided you can discard all former pleasant attributes and adopt "L.A. attitude."
But the "tude" comes with consequences....like steering people away.
So don't get surprised if the less good-looking, less rich, nice girl/guy in your group actually ends up with the perfect partner.
You don't have to put on a fake "sunshine and rainbows" persona (hey, I'm from England, we're naturally abrasive and sarcastic ;)) just don't morph into a total asshole or asshola.......or you becomedating kryptonite!!
Oh, and if you're worried you have become a dick and want to change that, the thing to do is work on your insides as much as your outsides.Yup, those Oprah/Deepak Chopra meditations...might be time to embrace those gems!!
5) You're "too cool" for emotions.
Somewhere down the line a lot of L.A.-ers decided that "cool" people never show their feelings and when they do, they're weak and laughable.
Reality check- people who don't show emotions don't get them in return.
Ladies, you want to be like one of those "Real Wives" ice queens on TV- go for it...but see how happy you get.
Guys, you say your "all time heroes" are "ultra-cool" Ari Gold and Hank Moody.
First off, Ari and Hank are make-believe TV characters.
Second- Ari and Hank show their emotions!!!
A LOT in fact.
To one woman. (Mrs. Ari and Karen respectively.)
So here's my question- if Hank and Ari aren't "too cool" for emotions why are you??
The answer is Hollywood has made you hard, made you lock all your feelings inside and that's why you are single because you are unable to show your true feelings to anyone except your mom back home in Kansas.
And for those of you who like to make fun of people who do wear their hearts on their sleeve- my guess is you're secretly jealous that their impassioned gutso will actually get the guy/girl in the end...
...while you Emotionally Cowardly Lion remain...
5) You only talk about your career:
I used to go on dates a few years back and before I'd even sat down the man gave me his resume and asked me how he could help my career.
Wait, we haven't even put a drink order in yet...
I get it, you think because I'm an "actress" I want to "use" you but...
....maybe I don't!!
Maybe I want to get to know YOU.
And if you think that's all I'm after then I will think that's all you care about too and when you get angry at me for not after a few dates being into you, I won't understand why, because our relationship was built on superficial expectations in the first place.
So if you are into the person for more than just a leg up...make sure that's expressed!
6) You are a snob:
You look down on people.
No one is good enough for you.
One moment you like someone, the next moment you find out they live in "that" area of L.A. and wear Forever 21and automatically their "value" goes down.
This is not real estate people, this is a human being.
Ladies, his car may not be a shiny Mercedes convertible but does that mean he's "totes off your radar"?
As for men- you're the guy that wants the girl when she was in a relationship with some big exec but once she's single and actually available you don't want her because she's...
You have an exaggerated respect for appearance and social position.
I'm not saying date homeless people, or a monk, or a hippy, just don't judge so much on externals and social standing and you might find you attract the real pot of gold and get f*cking happy.
7) You're so used to success in your career, you can't possibly handle rejection in your love life:
By day, you're a big timer...
You're loud and assertive and everyone loves you at work.
And at night, you're a shy violet...towards the opposite sex.
That's because you don't dare expose yourself to any kind of rejection...you know...the kind you have worked so hard to overcome.
The problem is that means you won't take risks and, unlike great entrepreneurs who fail a few times before hitting the jackpot, by not taking risks in your dating life, you won't ever hit the "soulmate" jackpot!!
So be assertive in ALL parts of your life and see your dating prospects blossom!!
8) You're bad in bed:
Sorry to go there but...
If girls or guys aren't calling you after the first few times it could be something more than "I'm just not that into you."
It could be "I'm just not that into you...in bed."
Obviously I'm speaking from the female perspective but...
Guys, the problem with being perpetually single is despite a number of hookups you have not learnt how to get good with just one woman.
You haven't figured out the female form.
Your skills are limited.
So if you are used to "hit that and go" try to to invest more in the master skill of love-making.
Read some Casanova.
Recommended for You
Take a dance class and learn some moves...
...anything that will add to your skills in the sack.
Not only will girls rave about the results- this will definitely up your chances of a HOT relationship.
9) You're secretly gay:
I had 2 guy friends now say their exes have come out as lesbians. (They call it the Ross from "Friends" syndrome ;)).
A while back I found gay porn on the guy I was dating's computer.
Just because we live in "coming out" times, doesn't mean you're not hiding something.
You can date the opposite sex for appearance but obviously there's something else going on behind closed doors.
Maybe you're single cause you have not had the balls to admit you might be batting for the wrong team.
You could buy this shirt...
Or you could spend a day at The Abbey, get drunk and if something happens a little more organically than usual, then it's time to JUMP SHIPS!!
10) You date too much:
There's such thing is overload.
Online dating, speed dating, set-ups...
...but sitting across from a different guy or girl every night does not increase your chances of finding "the one."
Quantity is not quality.
It's a lot of talking heads.
Plus, it desensitizes you to when the real keeper might show up.
If you already have a bunch of dates lined up for the rest of the week, you are less likely to dig deeper with one that really peaked your interest.
Stop. Spreading. Yourself. Too. Thin.
Date less & end up actually clicking with someone!
11) You're really boring:
You have no humor, no wit, nothing to talk about, except...
..."movies I'm in" and "projects" and "deals"!!!
Like. The. Rest. Of. This. Town.
Hey, how about finding a way to make yourself stand out from this drudgery!! (Un-obnoxiously of course).
Be really interesting...not just hot...not just rich.
Work on your personality!!
Ladies, it's time to put down the curling iron and lash curler and pick up a good book.
Guys, it's time to visit a museum or take a cultural trip somewhere, where you can gain some perspective, and round yourself out.
Are you bored by your own life? Chances are so are other people..so change that!!
12) You're majorly hurt by one experience, so much so that when an awesome person enters the scene you run before they can hurt you:
Okay, this used to be a fault of mine and obviously isn't specific to L.A. but I think it's more prevalent in L.A. because egos are so big yet so fragile.
Look, we all have protective shields but there comes a time when the walls just need tumble down for any worthwhile relationship to penetrate.
13) You're falling for those with a bad history:
They don't call it Hollyweird for nothing.
How do you know they have a bad history- they do too many drugs and have not had a girlfriend/boyfriend in a long, long, loooong time.
You "change" them for a moment....but not really.
As my friend Danielle says- if they're 40 and have never been married, chances are they'll be 50 and never married.
If you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life...stop going for people who have always been alone!!
14) You play too many games:
L.A. gets a GOLD MEDAL for dating games!!!
(Again, guilty of this myself.)
The guys read Neil Strauss, the gals are read Sherry Argov. Everyone wants to have the upper hand and feel in control.
But the more you mature the less people put up with your sh*t because they're busy and don't have time for your rollercoaster mixed signals and to be honest playing games only elongates your own erratic life and singledom.
I think in L.A. games are played more because it's a town that nourishes and glorifies eternal adolescence...
....but eventually games are exhausting and ONE BIG ENERGY WASTER!!
Even if your games do work- who are you attracting? Anything great?
So embrace my new mantra...
Less games, more final score.
15) You're so in love with yourself, you can't love another person:
Ask yourself honestly L.A.-ers are you really in a position to love another as much as you do yourself?
Because if you're "tired" of being single and want to "be in a relationship" I hope you realize that's what being in a relationship is about-
Loving. Another. Person. As. Much. As. You. Do. Yourself.
Can you handle that?
Can you make the occasional sacrifice, meet someone halfway, get out of your comfort zone, and concern yourself 50% of the time (or close to it) with someone else??
Can you buy this pillow and mean it??
A relationship means it's not just about you.
A relationship means you have to give as much as you receive.
Yes, you will fall in love and there will be great hot passion but for it to last...
...there must also be partnership.
And most hot, successful L.A.ers don't acknowledge this.
Most hot successful Angelenos do a lot of yoga, eat at Whole Foods and quote self-help gurus about loving humanity but should a relationship slightly inconvenience them...
They are single because they are selfish, egotistical and think of themselves as some kind of demi-God.
Harsh but true.
So, if these words are stirring something inside of you just admit that you're not looking for a relationship, you are looking for a side dish.
And a side dish is quick, tasty and digestible but it's nota real entree.
Just stop moaning and groaning about wanting something serious when really, deep down, you don't.
Just go ahead and continue your whole playboy/playgirl lifestyle, admit you're totally self-absorbed and fully embrace it instead of cloaking yourself in self-deception!!
My trip to visit family in the midwest made me realize just how different the mindset is out there:
My granddad (who died recently) was married to my grandmother for over 50 years.
He then had another wife for 10 years until she died, all my uncles and aunts are happily married, my parents have been married for over 30 years...
...and then you go to a restaurant out there and an old guy might eye the young waitress server but then he turns to his wife of 40 years and say "she's pretty but she ain't as pretty as you" and kisses her.
Yes, maybe that's an idealized version but it's closer to what most hot, successful L.A.-ers would care to admit.
People stay single in this town because they don't deserve more.
They CANNOT care about another person as much as they do themselves.
Okay, so I swear I'm not joining the ministry, and this is so opposite of my recent raunchy sexually liberated posts, but...that's me!!
And that's a good way to end this post.
And hope I've left you with some thoughts on why you're hot, successful...
...and still single...
P.S. Right Said Fred can sum this all up so well.
Brit Chick Ramblings From Hollywoodland
Thursday, 22 August 2013