Driven by yet another burning marriage into the arms of destitution and close proximity to an unromantic street life chock full of random beatings often lovingly administered by those crazy cut-ups, our boys in blue, and a grinding starvation, I took whatever employment possibility floated my way. And what floated my way like a pile of radioactive garbage rolling over from Japan was a sales position in the glamorous celebrity-filled world of fluorescent-light-loving sales by phone, more commonly known by its generic name, telemarketing.
I was shocked (stunned even) by the generous benefits offered, such as the astonishing salary of almost nothing! no health care (Hey, they had band aids somewhere), no vacation (vacation being another LIBERAL CONSPIRACY) and the fabulous, 30-minute lunch break (three filthy microwaves to heat up frozen treats), plus, more importantly, the warm, family-like work environment of near dictatorship-like purity led by the little, gray time clock affectionately called the General. I was overcome with joy at receiving such a vaunted position in this blazing land of opportunity.
How did this happen? Was it just plain, dumb luck to have been chosen out of millions of other near-mad citizens for this amazing position? Or was it the skill with which I handled the much-ballyhooed job interview that sealed the deal? Folks, I know now it was the latter, so in the interest of “giving back”, here’s a sample of my interview with Sales Manager, Drew, that may enable you and others to gain entrance into the prestigious world of telemarketing.
Drew: I see you’ve made a right proper mess of your life.
Me: I did my best.
Drew: That’s what’s important to us. Paul. We want people on our team who failed so miserably at everything they’ve actually achieved the impossible; they’ve turned abject failure into a glorious success. Those are the people we want here at Before You Blow Your Brains Out Incorporated.
Paul: I’m your man.
Drew: I hope so, Paul. I really do. But first a few very important questions and I need you to be deadly honest with your answers. Can you do that, Paul? Can You?
Paul: Well, maybe. I’m not sure. No, I can’t.
Drew: Great. Let’s get started. Did your parents make it clear that they hated your guts and thought everything you did was sheer crap?
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Paul: They loved ribbing me like that. We used to laugh about it all the time. I was drenched in praise.
Drew: Essential stuff, but were they falling down drunks?
Paul: None better. I always appreciated that they taught me everything they knew about drinking to blackout and beyond.
Drew: Excellent. You’re almost there. Now, this position requires a complete lack of self-worth. Have you ever had a positive thought about anything you’ve ever done in your life?
Paul: Are you kidding?
Drew: I’ve got a good feeling about you, Paul. But here at BYBYBOINC we only hire PATRIOTS. Now, in the last decade our wise leaders along with the holy men of business shipped every job they could overseas for the cheapest labor they could find, that usually being children (They’re really cute, sewing away in those squalid factories), which is how we can offer you the unbelievable salary of almost nothing. How do you feel about that?
Paul: Love it or leave it! Of course, I don’t have any money, so I can’t leave it but if I had money, I think I’d stay. Maybe. I don’t know. No, I’d go. Yeah, I’d leave. Pretty sure.
Drew: I knew it! You’ve got the job!
There it is, friends. I’ve given you a golden template to follow and if you’re like I was, lost, desperate and bathing in the pale glow of financial failure, take my advice and give Telemarketing a try. You won’t regret it. I promise. Well, maybe I do. I’m not sure. Of course, I won’t. I can’t promise you anything. Anyway, I’m dialing your number right now with an offer you can’t refuse. I’m not kidding. Really.