The Evangelical magazine Christianity Today’s editor rebuked the president in a December op-ed entitled “Trump Should Be Removed From Office.” In the interests of equal time we give the devil his due with an editorial response from a periodical on the other side of the fiery aisle—by B.L. Zebub, Edzitor, Satanism Tonight Dispatches, February, Endtimes
It’s time to say what we said 2000 years ago when an Emperor’s lack of character was revealed for what it was - a Great Red Dragon.
In our founding parchments, Lucifer explains that Satanism Tonight Dispatches will help diabolical Satanists interpret one-sided fake news in a manner that reflects their deep, utter lack of faith. The impeachment of Donald Trump is a significant event in the story of our Lake of Fire. It requires ranting and raving. And if anybody knows about witch-hunts, it’s us!
The typical Satanism Tonight Dispatches approach over the millennia is to stir the boiling pot and prevent Satanists with alternative facts from diverting from the party line to make their arguments in the public square, to encourage all to pursue injustice according to the convictions for their crimes and mistreat political opposition as uncharitably as a charity run by Trump, that Scrooge of scourges. (Of course, our most exalted Emperor of Evil and the seeds of his loins stole from a children’s cancer charity!)
We want STD to be a place that welcomes Satanic worshippers from across the diabolical spectrum, and reminds everyone that politics is the Endtime and lack of purpose of our being. We take pride and prejudice in the fact, for instance, that vitriolic partisan politics dominates our hell page. Don’t forget to follow us on our social media at: #pussygrabbergoestohell.
The facts in this Ukrainian instance are unambiguous: The Emperor of the United Snakes attempted to use his power to coerce a foreign leader to harass and discredit one of His Royal Anus’s political opponents.
That said we do feel it necessary from time to time to make our own opinions on diabolical matters clear—always, as Lucifer encouraged us, doing so with condemnation, hate and cheeseburgers. We love our Emperor, his peach-colored face (we disagree when he’s called orange) and prey on his enemies, as we hate and chant against leaders and ordinary citizens on the other side of the ethical aisle.
The facts in this Ukrainian instance are unambiguous: The Emperor of the United Snakes attempted to use his power to coerce a foreign leader to harass and discredit one of His Royal Anus’s political opponents. That is not only a violation of the Constitution; more importantly, it is profoundly immoral. And we’re proud of it. So get used to it!
Many are not shocked about this because this Emperor has dumbed down the idea of morality in his misadministration. We are proud to have a reality star in the White Castle who has gathered the swamp so well that even alligators in Florida are awestruck. Including his own campaign manager and attorney, Alan Douchenowitz, he has hired and fired many now convicted criminals (something we fear he’ll be soon, too). He himself has admitted to immoral actions in business and his relationship with women, including the Horseface Whore of Babylon, about which he remains proud. As we all know Emperor Donald has exquisite taste in golden shower-giving prostitutes and couldn’t be prouder.
His Twitter feed alone—with its habitual string of 15,000 lies, mischaracterizations, and slanders—is a near perfect example of a being who is morally lost and confused. When Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib’s trip to Palestine, where her 90-something grandma lives, was scuttled the Emperor meanly tweeted: “The only real winner here is Tlaib’s grandmother. She doesn’t have to see her now!” We’re also grateful she doesn’t get to meet His Evil Excellency either. Emperor Trump went on to tweet that Tlaib and three other non-white congresswomen called “the Squad” should “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came,” although all but one were born in the USA. But of course, His Un-holiness knows whereof he speaks because he lives in one, the White Nationalist House, and he’s the Caligula of crimes.
He has mocked the disabled—most recently, after Time named Swedish environmental activist Greta Thunberg “Person of the Year,” the climate change denier-in-chief mocked the 16-year-old, who has Asperger’s Syndrome, on Twitter. The Emperor (who has “Hamburger’s Syndrome”) has taken First Lady Melanoma’s “Be Worst” campaign to what passes for his heart, by being the worst bully he can impossibly be, in person and on social media.
In a December letter on White Castle stationary to House Speaker Pelosi - who he calls “Crazy Nancy” - regarding impeachment Emperor Donald wrote, “your spiteful actions display unfettered contempt for America’s founding and your egregious conduct threatens to destroy that which our founders pledged… you are offending Americans of faith by continually saying ‘I pray for the Emperor’, when you know this statement isn’t true… More due process was afforded to those accused in the Salem Witch Trials.”
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At a December campaign rally in Michigan, His Satanic Majesty mocked recently widowed Congresswoman Debbie Dingell and suggested her husband, a WWII veteran and America’s longest serving Congressman, was in hell. And by the way, I want to confirm John Dingell is indeed down here, having a ball - and he’ll never ever have to worry about getting a tan again.
Trump and his family have been found guilty of cheating charities. As the planet threatens to turn into an eternal Lake of Fire the stable genius pulled out of the Paris accord on global warming. He reneged on the Iran treaty, bringing us closer to war and nuclear Armageddon—which, by the way, we’re sure will do even bigger boffo box office than the Bruce Willis movie did. The Emperor cut food stamps at Christmas. He backs Saudi atrocities in Yemen and Turkey’s slaughter of Kurdish allies but opposes a House Resolution denouncing the Armenian genocide. In other words, for us Satanistas, Emperor Trump is our kinda cloven-hoofed guy with horns, tail and tiny paws.
His Un-holiness’s Satanist supporters have pointed to his White Supremacist Supreme Court nominees (some are rapists but others are very fine beasts). Some cite his offense against religious liberty for Jews, poor Muslims (although rich ones like Saudi royals are true blueblood pals) and his skewer-ship of the economy solely for the benefit of the 1%, among other things, as catastrophes that justify their support of the Evil Emperor. The Saudi murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, the Emperor’s support of MBS and his whacking of Iranian general Qasem Soleimani is proof of dishonor among thieves and assassins.
We believe the impeachment hearings have made it absolutely clear, in a way the Mueller investigation did not, that Emperor Trump has abused his authority for personal gain (not to mention weight gain) and betrayed his blood oath. The impeachment hearings have illuminated the Emperor’s moral deficiencies for all to see. This damages the institution of the presidency, damages the reputation of our country, and damages both the spirit and the future of people. Nothing can balance the moral and political danger faced under a misleader of such grossly immoral character. This Emperor has no clothes, character, honor or morals.
Unfortunately, the words applied to Rome 2,000 years ago apply almost perfectly to our current Emperor: “You know that among the Romans, those whom they recognize as their rulers lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants over them.” Whether Emperor Trump should be removed from office by the Senate or by popular vote next election—that is not a matter of prudential judgment. That he should not be removed, we believe, is a matter of partisan loyalties and loyalty to the Antichrist, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
And by the way, we applaud the Senate’s refusal to consider witnesses and evidence in their trial regarding the Evil Emperor’s removal. If The Donald shot someone on Fifth Avenue and Mitch McConnell was his murder trial’s judge, the fingerprint-laden smoking gun at the scene of the crime would be ruled to be inadmissible evidence for the jury of Republican Senators to consider.
To the many Satanists who continue to support Trump because of his blackened moral record (this is the only time he likes anything or anyone black), we might say this: “Remember who you are and whom you serve.” Consider how your justification of Emperor Trump influences your witness to your Overlord Satan. Consider what an unbelieving world will say if you don’t brush off the Emperor’s immoral words and behavior in the cause of diabolical expediency. If we reverse course now, will anyone take anything we say about injustice and sinfulness with any seriousness for decades to come? Can we say with a straight face the bent and broken character of America’s leader really doesn’t matter in the end? Our Emperor’s corrupt character keeps us trending on Twitter—who would we be if he stopped tweeting from atop his White Castle toilet? Look deep into your dark, empty souls and do what’s immoral for the sake of our King.
We have reserved judgment on Emperor Trump for years now. We only want him to be best of the worst of these among us. Some have criticized us for our reserve. But when it comes to condemning the behavior of another, patient charity must come first, since that’s the only charity he and his family won’t rob. So we have done our best to give Satanist Trump supporters our due, to try to propagate our point of view, to see the demonic nature of so many diabolical political decisions we have made regarding Emperor Trump.
No matter how many hands we win in this political poker game, we are playing with a stacked deck of gross immorality and ethical incompetence - not to mention history’s most awful comb over. And just when we think it’s time to push all 666 of our chips to the center of the table, that’s when the whole game will come crashing down. It will crash down on the reputation of Satanism and on the world’s understanding of the Satanic.
And it will come crashing down on a nation of men and women whose fire and brimstone is also our concern. Instead of being removed from office Emperor Trump, that paragon of amorality, should reign on his throne at Pergamum, D.C. for a millennium! Disloyal subjects, get out your pitchforks!
Mona Shaikh and Ed Rampell
Standup comic Mona Shaikh combines a South Asian sensibility with Americanized values cherishing the First Amendment—the right to bear big mouths. Her “Minority Reportz” is launching a Las Vegas-based podcast and digital series featuring guests like Margaret Cho and Trae Crowder plus a nationally touring show, and has been featured in Hustler, The Progressive, L.A. Times, Forbes, etc. L.A.-based film historian/critic Ed Rampell co-authored “The Hawaii Movie and Television Book.”
Ed Rampell is an L.A.-based full-time freelance writer and author. He was named after legendary CBS broadcaster Edward R. Murrow because of his TV exposes of Sen. Joe McCarthy and majored in Cinema at Manhattan’s Hunter College.